This is going to be a personal story.  How many of us are petrified to fly? If you are one who has a personal melt down when boarding a plane or even the thought of flying an Airplane make you lose sleep you are not alone. Yesterday I saw my family leave on a trip for Hawaii. You would think the sun and sand and being away from the cold of the Midwest would motivate me to go. You would think that watching the face of my wife and beautiful children would motivate me to go. Instead with tears in my eyes I saw them leave feeling ashamed and broken for the fear of not being able to go on an airplane. The tears in my boy’s eyes will burn through my heart for as long as I live. The disappointment in my wife’s eyes weighed heavy in my heart. How could I have let this fear overwhelm me to such a degree that it made me not  function on a daily basis. Of course I know a lot of the reason for the fear. It is the heights, not being able to be in control, or just plain superstitious. One of the  things that I am learning right now as I sit here in an empty house is the fact that I can’t trust.   I can never trust anybody especially with the past I had, especially with the heart brokenness and shattering of my youth. It has never been easy for me to overcome my past. I have always had trust issues and feel that I need to be in control of my situation




What does it do us to worry? Doesn’t God tell us in Matthew 6:34 (“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble”). I feel like a broken man with so many regrets. One of the revelations that has occurred to me; is that I do not have trust in my God who can  protect me from all things. It stems from my past and cuts a deep wound into my heart. I am sorry my God for not being able to fully trust you with my life that you so desired of me. I cannot even begin to explain how wounded and ashamed I feel. What I have done can never be excused for the pain I have caused my family. The main root for many of us is the simple fact that we can’t trust others with our lives. How often do we trust God with it? I get we have phobias, but there could be a bigger underlying root for many of us who can’t fly. I read post after post about conquering your fears of flying, but never the true root of why so many are scared. You can’t tell me it is because of heights, panic attacks, or enclosed spaces. We get those fear as the reason for not stepping on an airplane, but could it be that maybe, just maybe, there is more to the problem within us and our faith and trust. There is more to the deep effect of a pain that caused us to not trust in our lives, a pain that causes us not to be able to truly trust ourselves. There is nothing now that can replace the fact that my wife and my children are not with their husband and father. I should be able to hold her close to me and tell her I love her as the sun sets down on the Maui beach, instead I choose to be in an empty home without the laughter of my children running rampant through the house. My children should be with their dad laughing and splashing by a pool side or running with them on the beach. It was my choice and I couldn’t bear to make things even worse for my family. Why couldn’t I live with Abandon? My friend told me that God sometimes gives us hindrance in life, so that it can make us grow with our faith in God. I don’t see it now, but that hindrance really held me back from being with the one important thing in my life. My faith is growing, but it should be enough for me to overcome these fears that have still kept me grounded. There is nothing I can say to my wife and nothing I can ever do to make her see what she means to me. I can’t even imagine all the pain I have caused her. There is nothing I can do to replace the hurt that I have caused by letting her down. Being gone from her has made me realize how much I truly love her. I never knew what life could bring  when I first meet her. I can still feel the first time I kissed her and the first time I held her close to me. I never thought that for one second that she would be the one woman who would literally turn my whole world upside down. I thought I had everything and didn’t know what life could bring until she stepped into my life. How far would you let your love for your wife carry you? Would you be that shameful man who let her down or would you let your life of your true love let you follow her. What about the children who adore you the most? This coward of a father was not able to be their hero in shining armor. They look at me and show me the love I have never had that was missing from my father who was never around. I never knew the man who calls himself my father, but what I learned from that experience is how much I love and adore my children. This must be the feeling God must have for his children. A love so deep and profound that it reaches a level that ignites an unquenchable source of what love must have felt when God gave his only begotten Son to save this world. I miss my children and my wife. I will never ever, ever, let this happen again. I don’t care what I have to do, but I will never let my family go without me. My fear will always be there, but I must learn to overcome and trust. To those of you who have this same fear, please do what you need to do to find help. Live like there is no tomorrow. Live  your life with Abandon. If you don’t then you will spend Thanksgiving or Christmas by yourself in an empty home that is full of deafening silence. Rise up and overcome your fear or you will live with regret the way that I am living with right now. Grab life by the hand and don’t look back. So I leave you wishing you to be Thankful for everything that God has bestowed on you. The only thing I have is a mirror where I can’t even lift my face to bring myself to see. A shame that burns deep into my system and a regret that eats at my heart. Nothing I can ever do will make this right. Nothing I can say will be able to fix it. I will never let myself be overcome with fear and let my family go on a trip without me.  I will never cause that pain ever again.


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